All My Loving.

"And then while I'm away,

I'll write home every day.

And I'll send all my loving to you."

-The Beatles

Is it possible to become physically homesick when you haven't even left home yet? That was the question answered today by my panic attacks. It's funny how a mind can cripple to the overcoming thoughts that would normally never hurt a person. My mind was not ready this morning to leave everything behind for the second time. And for the people who claim that it gets easier, you, my friends, are completely incorrect.

Now that I'm back where I was 4 weeks ago, it's starting to all sink in. But the California air I was breathing this morning is still weighing heavily on my heart. This next week will be hard for many reasons: new classes, readjusting to the somewhat familiarization of dorm life, being away from my beloved home. All I'm hanging on to at this moment is the fact that hopefully, 8 weeks goes faster than it sounds. But even I am not one for optimism or thinking the best of things.

Surely, I was ecstatic when my friend, N, pulled up in her all-too-perfect Lexus with a gleaming grin upon her face. Her presence brightened the sorrowful mood I had been weighed down with earlier. Slowly but surely, hellos and excitement filled and gave me hope that it's actually good to be back. I'm not skeptical over this feeling; I'm just a tad jaded of where I stand now compared to 3 days ago. I am sad and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

Maybe tomorrow will change my mind and bring me to a new state of mind. One that shines brighter than the mental path I am on right now. Life is all about changing and time doesn't stop for anyone or anything. I'm becoming a creature of habit that doesn't like the two of those things. To me, it's completely frightening. 

But this is my time to not be scared. I have to be fearless in my attempts like anyone else. I have to deal with things I'd much rather shy away from. Hopefully, the little voice in the back of my mind will grow louder and will tell me that everything is going to be okay. I know, deep down, everything will turn out just as it should. But no matter what is going on in the world, I know I will always miss me some California loving.