Not Like The Movies.

"Just like the movies.

That's how it will be.

Cinematic and dramatic, 

with the perfect ending, oh."

-Katy Perry.

For the past couple days, I think I've figured out more about myself than ever before. It's weird to think I'm getting older and with that, finding out the wise pieces of my puzzle. I can see what I want and what I don't like and where I can see myself. And it's scary as all hell.

I am a firm believer in this: you don't know who you are until you lose who you are. 

I was about 14 years old when I completely hit my bottom. I was depressed. Anxious. Lonely. Unwilling. Lost. Naive. Dramatic. Scared.

I didn't have the friends I needed and I was blind to the people who truly loved me. I didn't care about living because I sacrificed all of my happiness for the sake of everyone else's entertainment. I was the ragdoll and even worse, I was okay with it. 

It still comes in flashbacks every once in a while. I know how dark I can be and how messed up my mind can get sometimes. But I'm realizing we all have our struggles. The strong and secure make it through. And I made it past the worst of mine. 

I can tell you that if you knew me five years ago, I'm a completely new person. Sure, I have my moments, but overall, I'm good. I have chosen to be okay. I don't believe we can choose happiness, but the choices we make in life are the ones that should fill us with joy. And I don't mean these deep, intricate life-changing decisions. Mine include tanning on the beach and buying large McDonald's Diet Coke. Those little things make up a big and full life. 

Love is one of those things. A couple of my close friends are already hyped up on marriage. We're not even in our twenties yet and they dragged me to look at engagement rings. You know what I'm hoping for at this point in time for my love life? A nice, funny boy who will hopefully stand and wait for me at the end of the aisle and me looking pretty in a white dress.  I don't need the details planned because the future is waiting for me and I'll get there. But I'll take my sweet little time.

Just know life isn't perfect. But if you string together the photographs of memories in your mind, it makes one amazing film, doesn't it?